On to the New ........???? what's next?
First I want to thank all of you that have been supportive-Those who have read my silly blog that I turned into a online mag if you will.Something I thought was different for me and coming from me.I really just got up one morning and just created this no real big process just wanted to show everything , say everything.I love what most women love a little of everything.
So what's new? A lot.But what I found intresting is I think imma keep somethings to myself.I really wanna save some big things that I am venturing into to be told when all is confirmed.I no longer depend on those of the past to support me going forward.They know who they are so no need to drop names.I am so ok with that although it hurt to be moving forward without them.( thought they were down....guess not) Must move on.
I spent last week thinking of the last 2 years and it has past like a tycoon.Wait tycoon-That doesn't sound quite right...lol anyway it's been a whirlwind.very hectic and fast paced.lol- Everyone that I have spoken to says the same thing.I spent This Sunday watching The Packers smash Stellers into the football field.Don't ask me how-I was certain Packers would win and they did.I wish -I put some money on it.
Blah-Blah Blah-
Facebook shizzzzzz.... smh very intresting -didn't know people would be as bold as they are but nothing surprises me anymore.
So In a few weeks I hoped to be doing something new.I have been telling people that I would record my cooking sessions from the recipes on this blog mag and haven't done it yet but I will.Promise.
I want to add another page to this blog mag called sistah circle where females can submitt some real stories they would like to share.
and I will update two other pages by the end of this month What's New and music Fuse.
Muah to all that have been down for the support those that have linked to the new wave facebook page-Yeah the two of you -lol but it's ok. I am still going to have fun with this and do the damn thing anyway.
Topic: Self Esteem 1/18/2011
Can't imagine why one's Self esteem is anyones buisness.Isn't it a personal Journey or a building of self? acknowledgement of self skills, acceptance of self ? spirit ,mind,body?....BLAH...BLAH...BLAH.
I think It becomes everyones buisness when you have an internal battle that impacts how you treat others and how you engage in a relationship even if it is Buisness, Friendship, or a romantic Relationship.....???
Why is it when we hear the word SELF-ESTEEM. We think of women? why not MEN.oh yeah we call it EGO.Right. (smh) -a double standard that no one thinks about or don't talk about because for you to talk about it ...you must have low self esteem-anyone with high self esteem - We would know it.I guess.......
The argument would be I guess that a person would act as such.I agree. or carry themselves a certain way.Agree again.
My thoughts about this lingered at a young age after I seen " Sparkle" The 1976 movie about an all black 3 female member singing group; (two were sisters ) and (Self-Esteem ) played a big unspoken presence in the characters as the film goes on you can't help but to ask why? ( reference to Sparkle's sisters character)
If you don't know what I 'm talking about please see the movie.
There are a few movies-I can think of where self esteem was a big factor -in a all female casted movie-Yet I can't think of a film about a man and his self esteem.-even - "Scarface " the movie- although I'm sure self esteem was a big piece of the characters desicison making; it was made to be so underlined and almost invisable to anyone whom thought that he was a very confident high self esteemed individual.
No one walks in the room and says " Hi I have High Self Esteem".
and God forbid if you did.
I wonder Why is Self Esteem is not considered to be a communitive effort when there are programs -particually in inner city neighborhoods that pride themselves on helping GIRLS with it.lol that makes me angry.
Since I'm talking to YOU.....
What are you thinking?
New Year Resoultion (hopefully will make it next year) List ( HAHA) 1/18/2011
1) Travel more.
2) Learn a new language
3) Try a new Foreign Dish -without know -what it is- ( elllk )
4) Stop spending so much money-or money I don't have-lol
5) Snow Boarding
People That Love less Have More? 1/18/2011
I often wondered about the lucky souls that seem to have it all.You know the ones that seem to pass the day like yesterday- The comfort of their lover or loved one in their lives, the great career ,the awesome child prodigy and the castles they call home that appears spotless and full of cheer no matter what the circumstances.I know the saying that everything that glitters isn't gold.Or the people always assume that the grass is greener on the otherside.What makes me sad though is that people who appear to have it all - never love much of anything at all.I always see the humbled spirit of a successful man when he prides his family and credits his wife for all that comforts them.I never want to take away anyones happiness for having to acquire some sense of wealth or sucess-but we all get a satisfaction when those people give back and accept these gifts thanking someone other then themselves.
does it make US feel better knowing that someone can love or thank anything or anyone and have more? will it be ok that they love nothing more then what they have and they don't mind sharing.I often wondered about the man who has ALL.Does his love run deep like jesus christ or it's just that all he has is all he is and nothing defines him more then things-because they can love a nice car ,a nice home and great looking wife and child making him feel like he is the earth's greatest gift.I guess it's perception.Why does it appear that the those who have more -care less-love less?
Stressed Part 2: 10/17/2010
Ok so someone emailed me and actually told me the stresses piece I wrote was impersonal and wasn't truly "Real Talk" , (Yeah I did just scrapped the surface.) So thank you..... For putting my ass in check.
I'm sure there are alot of women out there who have been stresses and when you are you feel terrible.Let me be alittle personal.When I am stresses I have physical symptoms.I know alot of you are like DUAH.But physical stress is very difficult to treat when your working relieving the situation.Headaches I'm sure is a Number one stress symptom.I have had Stomach knots or pain in the stomach , and I have had loss of appetite I think that's another big one but I have heard of stress eaters, I have heard of no sleep or sleeping too much.
The Only thing that have made the symptoms I had go away was not over the counter medicine...Cause I tried it and It didn't work.I resulted in writing ,That was the only thing that helped me.The headache would be less painful and the stomach knots well it would last longer then I would of like for it to last but it eventually went away.Because after all the physical symptoms are a result of something mental.Some people are embarrassed to talk about it because I guess we all like to feel like we have everything under control in the eyes of others.But stress is a natural reaction to a negative or anxiety filled situation.
I once read in an article that most people who experience physical pain from stress are unaware of the amount of stress they are putting on their health and have ignored properly addressing the source of their pain.They assume it's JUST a headache or JUST a sudden loss in weight or sudden weight gain.
But I still stand by the "Stressed ?" of real talk there in all the madness there are ways to relieve stress.I am adding two more ways to make the pain bearable.
1.Writing ( keep a journal - write whatever comes to you sometimes when you let off some stream your stress is able to escape someplace other then you keeping it all bottled up.
2. Prayer is always Good!
Stressed?
I know at times we all get stressed but I was sitting here thinking about how many Businesses and products are out there that claim they reduce stress
1.Yoga Classes depending on where you go the classes are pretty reasonable.But they are everywhere -and yoga classes are said to reduce stress a great deal.
2.Teas ( Green Tea ,Black Tea ,Chamomile Tea....... ) Claim to reduce stress even some coffee shops are including these flavored Teas on their Menus...
3.Bath Bombs and Relaxing Bath soaks.To reduced stress.(Lavender Body Mist....
4.Meditation Classes... ( Sounds Good....that's what I do.
5. Tai Chi......YOU GUYS I wanna learn every move sooooooooooo BAD! LOL.
But I read The the 5 things that reduce stress are simple.
1.Snack on Pistachios
Pistachios are one of the lowest calorie, lowest fat, and highest fiber nuts.
2.Have a Cup of Black Tea
It seems that slowing down your day an enjoying a cup of tea would be a calming practice in itself.
3.Viva Vitamin C
Vitamin C allows the body to quickly clear out cortisol, a primary stress hormone that increases sugars in the bloodstream.
4.The Forehead Massage
The acupressure point you want to massage here is located between the eyebrows
5. Massage Your Ears
Borrowing from the ancient secrets of acupuncture, acupressure allows you to give yourself an ear massage pressure points on the lobes and outer rims of the ear, both of which help to relax all the muscles of the face and body.
Domestic Violence and Abuse
Low in Spirit? High in the Bullshit? 10/8/2010
I will Not lie to you and tell you that at one time in my life I was Low in spirit and High in the Bullshit.And what I mean by this statement is....You have low faith and spirit in the life that you have ,the Love that you have,Low optimistic thoughts and Low in having high expectations -and the energy you do have -even if you don't have to is spent dealing with the bullshit.Constant nagging,borderline heela-fied just the bullshit, Baby mama drama, dumb ass co workers , the dishonest friend ,family business that becomes neighborhood business, the bills are high too damn high to pay and you are just like.....What the f**k!#@........
Ladies I know all too well.We close our eyes sometimes praying that God gives you the strength not to crack so and so over the head with a 2 liter bottle of "Stay out my way bitch....before I catch a case on that A*#!"
yeah-I know.
What I did.I had no other choice but to do
The following:
1.All bullshitters who hold the title as your friend just in time to complain with you when your crap is all messed up....Lose their numbers , delete them from your facebook, don't pick up the phone when they call.Why...anybody that calls you a friend that can't uplift your spirits and tell you the honest truth even when your up or even when your down....is not your friend.What?that's mean melanie????? well try it trust me they will still be where you left them.Some people are not meant to go to whether your doing good or bad.
2.Let go.Yes let go of what you can't change.Your bill being to high.is a result of something that could have been avoided but shyyt happens so call the collectors and tell them to give you time. Make an agreement.I know you guys know this but sometimes hearing or reading it affirms what you were going to do and makes you feel better.It will relieve you some, knowing that you have some time on your side.Your job is to not stay high on that bill-bull.
3.Don't talk about the Negative. (Speak ONLY about what you want ,NOT HOW , just what you want)
Say these things to a neutral person.Someone who does not know you.You will be surprised.Ok wait don't be random and walk up to a stranger ... ( well unless it comes up) lol -but a descent person someone who doesn't have any gain by telling your desires making fun of you or putting down your visions.
4.Don't Argue SOMETHINGS ARE TOO TIME CONSUMING AND ENERGY BURNING !
Save the energy for positive wants and needs and you will get positive outcomes.
5.Pray.Ok. I really don't care who you serve or if you serve someone at all -but if your spirit is low there is a prayer that you have to say and it won't come from no one but you.You're weakened spirit will give you the words to say.There is no perfect prayer I don't care what no one says.
What are You Thinking ? ( I was reminded of this Town meeting. )
I'm going to write tomorrow what I think ( I know this is like maybe more then a year old...Is it still an issue ? that's my question.)
Response To the The Video (10/6/2010)
My response to the video above concerning Black women depiction in hip hop music video's is a strong strong dislike for what the artist and the models have to say on their responsibilities of the images they put out for the world to see.I believe some would like to have the money in their accounts reflecting that they are entertaining but don't care who buys their music and coped out by including themselves into the Adult entertainment.No personal responsibilities.I for one Don't need anyone to role model my children if they are dishonest with their veiw point -meaning if you don't give a damn say I don't give a damn and I stick by it a apposed to oh I do care but it's not my responsibility.Yet we want every white man to be responsible for the black face and the sambo's that were used back in the day.
I shrugged my shoulders to be honest -I knew that their was going to be a split on how people felt about Music,videos and Images.But I was just a little disappointed.I wanted someone to say That I do it and I know it's wrong.I enjoy wrong things at times and that's how I make my money and I may change one day.Yeah right I think Imma have to hold my breath for that one.Smh.
Women who want Respect " COMMAND IT' if you have to " DEMAND IT" so be it.never allow someone to sell you short because that's the norm.All of those who feel like it's not a big deal.Trust that the interpretation of a general image is left for anyone.And taken that into consideration....Love Yourself and Respect yourself. And you'll be surprised how quickly your first impression will break the perception of you.
PS. I wanted to add-check yourself if you also brand women in a way of a whore,hooka,bird or groupie.
The Update:
Omg in the last three days I have been in sheer,utter and aching pain.One that makes me wanna call my mama crying.Not that she can do anything that I couldn't do for myself but......I just have to tell you what happened.About three days ago I order some Chinese food.I can admit that this restaurant was back up in orders and the person taking the order assured me it would take a little longer but I would get it in an hour.Before then I received some other shipment from FedEx.So I had been up and down the stairs like about three or for times just opening up the door.This time the door bell rang and I knew it was the food.I actually thought nothing of it -but ladies I fell on my back first and then fell down the rest of the steps with my arms over my head I guess I was trying to catch hold of the banisters and that was a fail.I felt like I was falling forever.Damn is all I could say.I wanted to scream out but realized that the delivery guy was still there ( duah) he was ringing the bell for like the fourth time already.I manage to get up.I felt slight pain in my ass ( Yes literally) and hopped the rest of the way to the door.I got my food and was in total shock of how far I feel from the top to like three steps from the bottom.I wanted to cry.But I realized at THIS TIME , only my ass hurt.
The next morning I could barely move.My arm ,ass, hands,ankles,legs,back,fingers,shoulders,neck all in pain.
I couldn't turn my neck I felt like I had just been in the ring of an WWE wrestling match and was body slammed.Or in an auto accident although I have been in an accident it was never this painful , only because the accident was not severe -Thank God.So I have been a little off with updating the "Real Talk" portion of the blog.But with some soaking and some over the counter pain medication I have almost come around to myself again.Not completely.But almost.By Tuesday I will have two new topics Up:
Topics
1.My Holiday Wishes
2.The date that went wrong ( this was like 7 years ago ya'll bear with me ...lol) lata !
For Colored Girls Movie ( Tyler Perry )
keeping Secrets?
Have You kept a secret to yourself or are you the kind that you've gotta let it out no matter what OR you do tell this secret to someone but it's a person who you know wouldn't tell a soul?
Maybe you do kinda tell the secret but change names,times,events the place and other small details...
Is holding on to the secret much harder when it's someone Else's or is it harder when it's your own?
what if no one told you a secret you accidentally find out does that make you responsible to keep that secret a secret?
Does it depend on what kind of secret?
Who the secret is about?
Why the secret is a secret in the first place?
Do you find yourself getting angry when your asked to keep a secret?
Are you the kind that feels better that you share with a friend rather then keep it between you and that person?
Secrets in a lot of ways are meant to be told it's not a secret when you tell someone else.It's different if someone sees the secret and you ask this person to never mention it ...why? because someone who may witness a secret has a visual to back up the secret and it makes them very uncomfortable.Some secrets aren't worth mentioning.Other secrets ruin lives.keeping it and telling it.( example: an affair or abuse ..)
I'm very good with keeping secrets.I don't know weather that is a good thing or not.But If I find that it may cause some harm to anyone in any kind of way I encourage that person to tell .....or let them know "No your secret is not safe with me because......"
Do you have a secret you've carried with you that you know( meaning a secret about yourself) witnessed or was told? Does it hurt to hold the secret inside or worse when it's let go? Let me know people.
You Know Your Wrong When You......
List
1.Try to make excuses and some of it is a lie. (Especially if it's to your mom or your ill grandma)
2.When your giggling inside when the one you hate is all messed up in the game.( they trip or get fired...)
3.When you borrow money and just because your cool with them or their a nice person you feel you don't have to pay them back ( Not Right away RIGHT? hmmmm )
4.You secretly watch someone about to fuck up and you don't stop them.
5.When you say " I didn't know" in your baby voice when you know damn well....lol
6.When a child of your have a friend that you hate you instruct your child to tell them you are going on vacation so that they won't call or come by.
7.When you see someone drop something near your foot and you look at them like" my back is bad...but you betta get it before I do " look.
8.When your friend has eye boogies, something stuck in their teeth and you refuse to say something.
9.When you dip into your child's piggy bank just because you think they won't notice.
10.Telling someone that your sick so that you can watch your favorite television show in peace.
( Just for fun -i hope you enjoyed.)
Girl Power Shout Out!
There is nothing like the Empowerment that I feel when I see Michelle Obama supportive of her husband yes.But she is a strong women period in her own right.Great goodness thank God.With the crazy role models ...well people trying to be role models out here it's refreshing seeing Women of color doing the damn thing I have my top five which will be listed below.
I love Positive Women who are business owners ,Single moms doing the damn thing ( in a good way), College students whom put their education first , the LGBT community of women of color,Grandmothers that take on the Grandchildren when the parents are not able or suitable,Powerful women who use their voices in songs ,books ,churches and third world countries where females are not even considered when making decisions concerning Jobs,marriage, or raising there children.It's been sometime- But I'm not just talking about celebrities I wanna talk about your Moms,Aunts,Sisters,Daughters,Neighbor,Classmate,Co worker that you see and say " Damn she Doing her thing".
Please Put if you have insecurities aside and acknowledge that women -weather you know her or not.Pray that that female stay strong focused and if they have any struggles or is broke down for whatever reason you stand firm behind her and pray that she makes it through and know that your prayers may be just what she needed.
Please the jealousy bull should not be there; just because someone has a man of YOUR dreams and you don't , or a higher heel on their shoe and you don't , making that money ( legally that is) and your not ,driving in that nice whip and your taking the bus, the promotion she gets that you don't,The fly ass body she has that you don't,the pretty face that you wish you had or don't want her to have. ( STOP !!!)
Sit down and think about this Ladies.When it comes to supporting one another we fall short. Example:" The Apprentice" The ladies team always seem to get the short end.Damn all I wanna say is Girl Power!
Now for my list:
1. My Mom ( I don't need to explain why)
2. Michelle Obama
3.Oprah Winfrey
4.Nikki Giovanni
5.Kesi Lemmons
Now make your list.Let me know who you believes show great strengths.I wanted to add Queen Latifah but hey I said Top 5. LOL!
The Breaking Point
I think I have reached my Breaking point.For the last few months I have put a goal in writing and I not only have started I have half assed this goal.I wanna know for those that know me the most know that reachable goal is.It's sort of a secret but not really.I wanted to challenge myself without feeling like someone is supervising me.It's like that a bad habit that's hard to stop and get rid of.lol ( oh boy, no~ it's not smoking or drinking because I don't do anyone of those or swearing (cursing).It's something that everyone finds very easy to do but I can't.And my goal was to focus so that I can.But It's a fail.lol.
P.S. Next time I will place a video up on a " Real Talk " topic so look out for that.
The Ten Things I love
I would like to add something really positive to " Real Talk " and that is the " The Ten Things I Love".
1) I love really love the Color Black but I go nuts for the color purple.
2) Love Positive Quotes with deep meanings.
3) I love Guys with Sexy walk ( Denzel Washington and Sidney Poitier; oh yes love it )
4) I love really honest people-not blunt rude people -just really honest from the heart people
5) I love my mom stuffing-No one in the world can make stuffing like my mom.
6) I love all kinds of music...If it has a nice beat I love it.
7) I love Art ( I love to paint , I love beautiful things)
8) I love babies and children they bring a certain light in the world.
9) I love Ice Cream ( Not all flavors just Ben and Jerry's and some Baskin Robbins flavors)
10) I love to clean -hold on not just random things I love a clean environment so I clean ALL the time.
The Eddie Long Scandal ( oh boy)
I have no Idea what I believe about the Eddie Long scandal of " Sex Abuse " ? allegations.I've seen him preach on the religious network channel.I can't remember anything else that I know him for...to be honest I know him from the ( Keisha Cole's reality show ) when he talked to neffie about her spirituality.I am not a follower of him but one thing I know is that I can't imagine being accused or being a victim of sexual abuse.The news has actually been covering this story for the last week.They say He is supposed to make a statement about these lawsuits on Sunday.which is tomorrow.( I'm shaking my head...because I know ...
that we found out in the last 15 years of sexual abuse in churches and synagogues involving under aged children.Disgusting if this is true.
I can't figure out why if people see something why won't they say something.Abuse is never like a big secrete - unless you live on a remote island somewhere where there is no civilization.There are ALWAYS signs when there is abuse.I think that sometimes it's way to hurtful and fearful to face the truth.I just hope that if these 4 separate lawsuits are found to be accurate that he faces all kind of hell.I don't believe that no child should be violated even if he waited til they were 17.....He groomed them before hand with gifts.SMH.I'm just at a loss of words.
The EX-Factor!!! 9/24/2010
I think I am guilty of having this problem.The problem is actually a relationship breaking off too soon and for something small. ( or maybe not ) But anyway.Me and this person was together for a year.Not very long but I think we made things very clear about our love and devotion to one another-yes the " I love you more " couple.We said "I love you all the time".
So what was the problem right? oh no I think I made a mistake.
I ended the relationship because I wanted more.What I mean is at stressful times he just seemed robotic and emotionally detached.And it was at those times he did not say he loved me.(hmmm) He always had the same response.Like very indifferent, no facial expressions ,sometimes it came across as being cold.I could just be
this sensitive person , but it really pissed me off.
There are also the times when I felt he made himself very unavailable and that pissed me off as well.lol.So I woke up one morning after feeling as though he was not as present in the relationship as he should.When I told him I wanted to end it I was an emotional mess sobbing like someone died.And yes he had a reaction, but very settle he seemed angry.But not really.Kind of hard to explain but the effect that it had on him I would never know.He did pull out an excuse and it was that he was raised in a home where emotions were not shared openly.And that it was hard for him.I ended the call feeling the same.And for months felt I did the right thing. ( right ?).
Ladies I did go through well maybe-I was wrong -or maybe not.I never took an ex back.So i wouldn't know what it feels like to part ways for months and go back to the person.When I broke up with my past boyfriends that was it.I moved on.But something about that guy tugged at me.Was I wrong.Could I have been more patient? hummm? The EX-factor?
For all Haters: P.S. Thank You !!!
Uggggg! Sometimes Haters make me so damn sick and then I love em', you got to. I don't really have a big huge circle of friends, really I don't.The very small cluster of friends I have really know me. And the very best Friend I do have is there for me through the rise and falls of every situation.But the term " Hater" of this time is nothing more then the green eyed monster of envy of my moms day.The naysayer , The nick picker ,The one that puts your business as their priority.Please hater ~what you think you do know you don't. "She thinks she's all that, her skinny ass needs to eat , elk she got a blog site now , who do she think she is?" ummm.I think highly of myself and others around me ,even though imperfect tries their damnest and put their best foot forward.Funny my cellphone number have been the same for two years yet a hater will call you when they believe they are doing better then you or just to hear if your doing any worse then the last time they spoke to you.Or the hater that doesn't know you at all and they see you from a distance and feels as though throwing negative feedback , suggestions or comments to see the damage they dealt when they hit you with a low blow or The hater that rolls with a group and can't exist without two or more negative followers.
Haters please-Listen-those who you hate on will thrive regardless-we know who you are.Your attempts actually encourages success.So your shade actually in Most cases back fires.So not showing someone love or acknowledging when someone deserves so, disliking someone for no real good reason...Ask yourself -Should I be hating right now and wasting time? or should I be doing me and wish everyone the best of luck in everything they do- ( after all I believe you put out what you get back) I do notice that haters are still in their same position or situation their in and will always stay there no matter how they dress up their negative surroundings.We'll just wanted to give ya a shout out haters ! you're shade in most cases may not be wanted but just what's needed for some people-Gosh get real !
P.S. Throw some more shade...If not dammit fix yourself and be happy with yourself!
Not That Kind of Girl......
I decided to write about this since I was in a interesting conversation with a female earlier today.She's three years younger than me ( and for those who know me...well I will not be mentioning how old I am.....lol ),but anyway the point was that we were the in the same age bracket so I found her easy to talk to.The conversation that we got into was based on something we both heard another female say to someone she was speaking to on the phone.Call it ease dropping , being noisy but this female who i believe was in her late twenties early thirties was loud as hell.And I was in the pharmacy waiting to pick up a prescription , this is walmart early morning but very quiet.It was actually me, the lady who is in my age bracket , the young lady on the phone and a elderly lady that just was snoring loud ass hell~ so she was out of it.Anyway the young lady on the cell phone so obviously the conversation from what could be heard was one sided she wasn't one a speaker phone.But by the details from her responses and statement you get the drift of where she was going and she was sounding very agitated.She didn't get up and move and she was in ears shot of everyone waiting so she had no shame in her game.
OK let me jump right into it ~she was actually explaining why she was gold digging to someone- ( excuse me she called her self a smart bitch ) Young Lady on the cell phone " I can't see why everybody so bothered by what I do, If he wants me to play wifey he gotta pay.Go ahead and go to your wife but when your with me you gotta pay double and triple my weight-I'm not crazy I'm a smart bitch". Me and the other lady glanced at each other briefly and we both let out a small giggle.Not enough for her to hear but for us to hear one another.Young lady on cell phone"It didn't bother nobody when I couldn't pay my car payments,my lights about to get cut off and sh*t and as soon a I'm getting that paper and I'm being taking care of everybody wanna tell me how to take care of me.Who cares how she feels ( I guess the wife or the girlfriend of these guys?) she should be doing right by him at home. ( she shakes her head as if the other person on the line is saying something that she finds deplorable) find a job? I got a job and my job is enough for me but why can't I have more..I refuse to be strapped down to one..... (she used the "N" word).None of them is committing to me right now.All I want is to be taken care of, if it gotta be 2 -3 dudes so be it. I'm not hurting no one ( she pauses again she shakes her head and responds in disbelief) Hurting myself?Trust me I found out long time ago what I had to do to get what I want and you can call me cold , a gold digger a home wrecker whatever......I got my house , my car and my bills payed on time and I don't have to be married or spend my check to do that.They know the deal".
At this point - being so overwhelmed I let out in a whisper " I'm not that kinda girl-I could never use people like that".The other women did not hear me but the one in my age bracket rolls her eyes up in the air and says" wow so immature..I used to be just like that when I was younger" ( and I tried to guess the age of the cellphone gold digger and I shuck my head no.No this can't be age.)
Cell phone girl appears to be listening to the other person on the line intently and then she loudly says"And that's why you need a man.You gonna always be a broke bitch.I'm sorry not me...I refuse...."
Cellphone girl name is called she gets up and leaves with her prescriptions. Leaving behind me and this lady giving each other the eye. Then I say " There are some women that are like that-I mean I don't think she finds anything wrong with it" The other women responds" She'll find out -I was just like her.I had to get my feelings hurt -My mistake is I caught feelings for this one dude Oh my God -he owned his own business and everything , he was was willing to marry me ....( she's smiling , reminiscing ) And I say " So what happened why didn't you marry him? she answers after her smile fades, remembering " he was married -he had a whole family kids and all in Africa...girl I just wanted to stay cause the money was so good we went on trips and anything I wanted he gave me.But him having a family didn't hurt me.I was pregnant from him twice and each Time I had an abortion just to keep him and make him happy but the third time I was pregnant by him I lost that baby-and he acted like he didn't care he wanted to still have everything as it was and I couldn't anymore look at him -the same-he really hurt me.
My mind pictured her as this younger women dealing with this issues with a African businessman with money a family and wife in Africa.But he didn't want a family with this women that I was looking at.Her name was called she got up in slow motion.I said" Take care" She says " oh imma be o.k. I went back to school, I gotta part time job and I been with this guy I'm with for a year.That's old news.I was young and the kinda person that wanted what I wanted with no consequences" she walked over to the counter and picked up her prescription."It was nice talking to you...." you as well..and take care" I added again.I'm left Wondering what kind of measures women go through to be loved or feel loved , or be taken care of when the stakes are high.........I'm just wondering.No one is perfect but I never wanted to feel as though because I don't see it her way that I'm better-I just think that I couldn't feel good as a person If I had used someone and allow someone to use me in that way-But there are times when we are all being used and we know it and we allow it just to keep the peace or believe things will change, or for the sake of love?????? I don't know....hmmmm.
Not about the Dream anymore...???
I don't know if times have changed or people changed or that we as a whole don't know any better.But one thing I know is it's not about the " Dream" anymore. You know what I'm talking about the Most famous speech that Dr.Martin Luther King Jr. is known for.The " DREAM". I can't help but believe that speech in my heart and can't help believing that maybe people strongly believe those words as well.About equality and
being one passionate nation in this movement in change.As a Women , African American , Native American , and Single mother. I find that "DREAM" dissolving in poor neighborhoods , in work environments , School systems.... ( I'm shaking my head ). But we've come so far.And many of you may disagree.The state that these institutions and communities are in right now are indeed in survival mode.Where it's every man for himself.Domestic Violence has gone up ,women in leadership positions has been at a stand still for at least two years.I watched a repeated episode of the Oprah Winfrey Show "Waiting for Superman ", And like everyone I was disappointed that somethings being ( Education ) are still in dying need of work, work , work and more work. In these days of high tech technology and a nation that have Millions of dollars.Well I guess millions to decide who gets it ,when or IF?
This has affected me personally.Both positive and negatively. The Positive would be that I'm more than before plan to have several action plans in place.Starting with how I plan to generate support and income by other means, other then walking in to a job where someone may feel that a black face,or women can't be an asset .I look to role models that have networked with the best in corporate America and keep contacts with those who work in the areas of grassroots/non profit organizations where when the budget is right my services are desperately needed. Negative -I guess it hasn't really??? ( hummmm)
Keeping the " Dream " alive in me although no one else does.Treating anyone I come across as I would want to be treated.
The economy is a tired topic now for alot of people.To even get paid what I'm worth is a joke and what I know what it is to settle for anything for the meantime is a very humbling process.Everyone deserves a chance regardless of there religion or sexuality, sex or race.I just hope that even if that speech meant something and not everything to you -to have some dream of your own.Have that dream thrust you in a world where you are needed and that you put all differences aside to help someone even if you don't think you can.You would be surprised what sharing with a blind eye could do. it's 4:55 pm , September 20,2010 and just heard on Atlanta news that the recession is over?????? whatever- just be open to a bigger change then what you set your sights upon and embraced-You , You and You are truly needed in this world -shoot -ladies let's keep the " DREAM" alive.Smiling -I don't wanna be preaching but I'm not going to apologize for the statement I made above.If you know me-You know this is the REAL ME!
If SHE/or HE Cheated.......?
I think That everyone dreads this statement. Would You know what you would say next ...If she/or He cheats: I would.....Leave, Be Hurt , Be angry , laugh it off-because I can do better , be vengeful, feel vexed, jaded, move on really quickly so the burn wouldn't hurt so much?
Personal Sharing:
I was in a relationship a few years ago and never got proof that this guy was cheating -but had the feeling -Is the feeling enough? I asked-He said No.hmmm.so anyway-This guy and I were serious.We had been together for sometime - over a year or so... or longer....Anyway. I just felt something was wrong.It all started with a phone call I received from Him:
Him: What's up what your doing?
Me: Nothing just home chilling.....
( Long Pause)
Him: Oh yea????? ( didn't sound like him)
Me:What's up-why you sound like that?
Him: Hold on....
(1 minute Passed)
Him : Yea -sorry about that.
Me: Where are you ?
Him:Where am I ? Why?
Me: You o.k.?
Him: Yeah-Yeah..Just wanted to check up on my baby. ( Never calls me baby.Maybe sexy or ma or shortie or love. never baby)
Me: I'm cool.Where are you?
Him: Are you gonna be up ( stupid question everybody I know who knows me well -know I'm an insomniac.
Me: Yea why?
Him:Stay next to the phone Imma call you back-alright?
Me:o.k......
Him: Don't go no where cause imma call you back.Don't have me looking for you (jokingly said)
Me: Love you...
Him:Me too
( dial tone)
He never called me back -despite I called him once and it went straight to his voice mail.
We talked about that incident in depth which caused a small argument his excuse-he was in the studio with the boys and was doing something........
Second Incident 2
This was a few weeks later I guess.We were supposed to go out..can't remember where.I believe a restaurant
Him: What are you wearing?
Me:Oh please you seen me in this outfit before.
Him:Yeah -But I never liked it on you -It attracts too much attention , and I don't wanna go anymore we should just chill here...
Me: What ? why?
( If you are not feeling someone anymore ... or don't wanna be seen with this person because your out doing you -do you and let the person go-please don't play this game)
Him: Nah -I'm good
Me:You good? what is that supposed to mean? you not acting like yourself....
(ladies he actually tackles me on the bed dressed and all-cuddling me. kissing me all up) ? wtf
Him:Yo-Ya ass is getting fat...I've been putting it on you right? ( laughs)
Me:What?
Him:Let's just chill for once and talk ( ummmmmmmmmmmmm........ladies?????)
Me:Why didn't you just say you didn't wanna go anywhere?I'm up here getting dressed-I went and got my hair done...
Him: ( cutting me off) Why you do that anyway..?
Me: For you -and so I can look cute....
Him: You sure about that? ( dramactic change of topic ) You know who I bumped into last week -a few weeks ago?
Me:No who?
Him: Shaquana..
Me:Who's that?
Him:You don't remember? ( he walks me through schools , neighborhoods and relatives that didn't ring a bell-mind you it was very important for me to remember this girl and I didn't .He almost looked disappointed and relieved at the same time....hmmm.).
I actually believe that this was the person that was there that day when we had that awkward phone call.That night we half assed cuddled.Random bullshit conversations.And it sucked -Only because he seemed so phony that night.I felt that he cheated.I allowed him to believe that I was not on to him.I felt very strongly That I didn't need him to confirm or prove I was crazy ( Yeah Right).At the time I had no feelings - I wasn't angry ,pissed off, or sad.I'm not sure why.All I could think about was that I had to out smart him and distance myself.I stopped answering his phone calls and when He knocked on my apartment door -I never answered.Funny~ I ducked and dodged for like two months afterwards.The phones messages were ones where he sounded confused and angry at times " what's going on...If you moved on Please tell me...Please pick up."
The calls and visits stopped.But I was certain and dead on that this was the right decision that I made.Was I really crazy? jealous? jumped to conclusions? But in my heart of hearts I felt very strongly that he had already cheated and in that case I felt vindicated that I walked away with my head held up-some things in my opinion are self explanatory and there was no need to know details ,dates, times, places...WHO.I was done.This may be a very weak case of a cheating scenario, But I was positive.Was I right?????
Friendship
I had a friend a few years ago whom I loved very much -we known each other along time.We acted alike , spoke alike , had the same interest and shared some dreams and aspirations.But as time went on I'm not sure what changed.Did I change? Or did this Friend of mine change? did we out grow each other? Typical bullshit that we once let go was all we argued about.And from the outside I'm sure it was a shock.We appeared to have longevity from the outside but in reality it was some unspoken turmoil.I was afraid to ask....What went wrong? People may say that it's a past issue of childhood friendships or just growing pains-But either way there is no preparations or a guide or a manual to map out what's next.I created a scenario that made me feel better about the demise of this friendship and It was that if you are lucky to have a friend sit beside your death bed you are one blessed SOB.If you have someone who have backstabbing tendencies but is there for you when everyone else has turned there backs....well you've got yourself a comrade.If you have a friend that comes to you when times are good-or just when times are bad perhaps they are not a friend at all.But one things certain.I believe I know how to be a very good friend.But my question would be: Am I allowing this person to be the friend that I need or the friend that I want? or am I allowing this person to befriend me because in their eyes their friendship to me is the best they've got to offer for what I accept ?????? I'm just keeping it real.....
Recession Shopping
Sept 17, 2010
O.k. We all know about this recession. And to be honest it's not as bad for us shoppers when you think of it.Almost every Clothing Store,Food Market ,Shoe Outlet ,Automobile Dealership,Cell Phone plan , and Travel agencies for vacation Packages have been reduced to lowing prices and promoting bargains.Not just in it for the making money hoopla, but meeting the needs of the people whom have been affected by this economy.Please take advantage.I have noticed that it's not just a gimmick -the sales and bargains are for real.Quite a number of businesses are taking advantage of higher sales with lower prices then high prices and lower sales.I have not stop shopping since this recession -I have actually shopped more.I can't believe I own more quality for less and have been extremely happy with the results.I only food shop when there is a start of a sale. Maybe the second day of the sale-because really most shoppers try to get everything the first day,that's a no-no.Go the second day -nine times out of ten there purpose is to make high sales on still high priced items.The second day they are forced to bring out items that are not sold out yet and the items are more reasonably priced -of a marked down item already.
Electronics and furniture are likely to be more trickier purchases.Become familiar with new shipments.Stop being embarrassed about layaway plans.I usually don't like to use a payment plan for huge items such as t.v.'s or any other electronics -I buy them on the spot.But websites such as http://www.amazon.com/ are extremely resourceful in holding items in a cart / or wish list and you can actually watch the price of that item decrease or increase.
http://www.marshalls.com/ and http://www.tjmaxx.com/ for those who are brand name slaves can always get an idea of a pricey Handbag, shoes, or a winter coat for an example for a low-low price.Crazy.
I shop smarter now because I have to.I also use promotion codes if I order anything online.You will be surprised what free shipping and 10 % off of an order can do to your pocket.Your saving and you have the item that you wanted or needed for less the cost.
Confession Tyme !
Addicted to frappacino's ( Starbucks) yummy.
Afraid of knocks at any door-I like door bells that ring....don't ask my why.lol
Can't sleep with any lights on, all lights must go off including alarm clock lights-I actually turn them around so that the light won't bother me.
Wears the same Bra size since I developed ( itty , bitty titty, committee).
Afraid of stripes ( Don't ask).
Only need Five Hours of sleep for two days to function before I crash or feel tired.
Never broke any limbs -But always wondered what it would be like to wear a arm sling.
Can't eat pork without feeling guilty so I don't, but I have had bacon without asking when I was younger and felt terrible. ( raised a Muslim and eating pork was a no-no ).
You have some -you like to share...let me know...
Poem 9~22~2010
Just thought today was wonder less,
My spirit is the same as it was when it was wonderful and with Boundaries that felt safe.
I'm just going to watch one more day go by and then I'll send for you.
Same routine until you see what I mean.......Bounderless , But not Hopeless!
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